My Love Life, Timing and Internet Dating: Part 1

It has been more than six weeks since I mentioned The Internet Man. So much has happened in that time, I barely know where to start.

I last reported that my second date with Internet Man went very well, we were going to see each other again and that I took myself off of the dating sites. Well, two out of three of those things happened. I haven’t seen Internet Man again, and not for lack of trying. Fate or The Universe has intervened. A second date was scheduled. I think I was going to attempt to go up north to his territory and see how the other half lived.

Internet Man and I had regular e-mail contact, so when I hadn’t heard from him for a few days I started to wonder if he was having second thoughts about seeing me again, or that maybe something had happened to him. The man does some extreme sport and drives fast vehicles, so anything could have happened that I wouldn’t know about. Also, he was still on the dating site and maybe he met someone closer to home. My mind was racing with different scenarios.

I sent him an e-mail to ask him if we were still on and if everything was ok as I hadn’t heard from him for a few days. Previously, when I have corresponded with Internet Man I would usually send him a novella and he would reply economically - a complete contrast as the man has no problems with face to face verbal communication. I have found that to be typical of men on the e-mail front. Imagine my surprise when I received a novel back from him. He was sorry he hadn’t been in contact and explained to me in detail about his mother being taken ill and having to go into the hospital.

My first reaction, being the ever compassionate person that I am, was to think, ‘Oh no, the poor guy and his poor mum.’ Then the suspicious side of me took over. ‘Is this his way of putting me off and hoping I will go away?’ Hey, I have been lied to before. Being a Gemini, I also have the annoying knack to see both sides of the coin and to over analyse things. Also, I really don’t know Internet Man very well. We had only just met and had two really nice dates. Who really knows what goes on inside a person’s head unless they tell you?

I was already aware from what he told me about his family that his parents had some health issues. I decided to take the high road and believe him. I replied very sympathetically and supportively that the date could wait until his family situation improved. The last thing the poor man needed was stress coming from me. Anyway, I had already waited this long to go on a date, it wasn’t going to kill me to wait if it was meant to be. I had a lot of things to keep me busy as I was still very pro-active on the job search front.

Every few days Internet Man would send me a report on events and fortunately things improved with his mother. Unfortunately, while his mother was improving, his father had an accident and required hospitalisation and surgery. Talk about bad luck - and the bad me wondering if this was a wind up. The good me took over and offered more empathy and support and reassurance that dating could wait.

By now a few weeks had passed and I was just getting on with my life as usual. I put Internet Man out of my mind as there was really nothing I could do about the situation. From the beginning, I had reservations about internet dating. I still had a very small doubt about Internet Man. It was a feeling I couldn’t put my finger on and which wasn’t about him particularly, it was more about me. Something was holding me back and I couldn’t work out what it was.

My best friend said that I wasn’t that into him. Hmmm. I had to really think about that. Internet Man is a very attractive man - better looking than I expected and quite tall and fit. He was very sweet and polite and felt to me to be a really nice man. I didn’t get any alarm signals being around him. In fact, I was quite attracted to him and was willing to try and find out if something would come out of dating and to see if we would fit, so to speak. I did have reservations about how far away he lived and was told by a few friends that the distance wasn’t really that far and wouldn’t make much difference if we really liked each other. Somehow that really didn’t comfort me and I couldn’t ‘feel’ good about going north.

I have another good friend who told me that just because The Universe offers us an opportunity, that doesn’t mean we have to say ‘yes’. I think that The Universe does send us what we think we need in order to make a good decision, even if it is to say ‘no, thank you’. I really didn’t want to get involved with something that wasn’t going to be right for me, after all I have waited a long time to date again, and I had to pay attention to what my body was telling me. I was feeling a very subtle resistance there was no doubt about that. I felt that what my friend had to say made a lot of sense and when I put the situation into that context I felt a whole lot better.

In some way the turn of events provided me with the space I needed so that I wouldn’t rush into anything and I was, therefore, able to process my feelings. So I thanked The Universe for sending me Internet Man, but that I was going to pass as it didn’t feel 100% right to me. Now I just needed to tell Internet Man and decided to wait until he contacted me.

I eventually heard from Internet Man again to tell me that his parents were on the mend and that he was looking forward to seeing me again real soon, unless my circumstances have changed. They did, I met someone. But not before I already decided to pass on Internet Man. While I was getting on with my life and waiting for Internet Man to get in touch with me fate or The Universe intervened again.

My Baby has a Tattoo!

My eldest came home from University a couple of weeks ago for his grandmother’s 85^th birthday celebrations.

The first thing he did when he saw me was to show me his tattoo. I thought it was a transfer. It is real. I touched it. It doesn’t wash off. My baby is marked for life. He had it for three weeks and I was the last one to know about it. I am not sure why. He discussed getting a tattoo with me when he was home for the Christmas holidays. He had worked out his rationalisations and even though I am not 100% convinced or that I even get it, he is over 21 and it is his body to do as he pleases. I only asked him to think about what he was doing since once it was done, that was it - the tattoo couldn’t be undone.

Maybe he wanted to see my reaction. The last time he went to Glastonbury he came back with a nipple piercing. As soon as he walked in through the door, he lifted up his T-shirt and said, “Look Mum, I got my nipple pierced!” All I could see was a bloody scab forming and a metal bar through his nipple that wasn’t even level. My baby was mutilated!

He doesn’t have the nipple piercing anymore. The tattoo is a different story.

I have photographed the tattoo to document the change on what used to be my perfect (in my eyes) child. Otherwise, how would I really know if it was him if he ever ended up in pieces and needed to be identified?

Apparently a lot of thought has gone into the design of this tattoo and he explained what it meant and how he came up with it. I have been told that this isn’t the last of the tattoos. Even though I can admit that this is an attractive and colourful tattoo, I cannot imagine any more tattoos on my child and how he will end up looking. He is no longer as his father and I created him.

Now his brother is talking about getting a tattoo on his arm.

I think he is just taunting me now.

The Universe is Toying with Me

I had gotten over my trust issues with The Universe. I have been using The Sedona Method, EFT and deep breathing. I have had positive reinforcement from my friends that have buoyed me up. I am actually feeling the trust. Trust is oozing out of my pores. My new catchphrase when I am being asked about work is that it is imminent or forthcoming. When or where, I haven’t a clue, but I can feel it in my bones. Something good is coming my way.

I spoke to a friend yesterday to see how she was doing. Things are looking up for her too. I told her that I had a mini crisis and that I am trying to trust what The Universe is telling me. I told her that obviously this lull is telling me something and I am trying to work out what it was. Then she asked me, ‘Do you know how to listen, do you know how to read the signs?’ Good questions.

She knows I am Action Woman and not good at sitting still. I get my ah-ha moments while having a shower, working in the garden, or going for a walk in the park. I don’t do sit-down meditation. Sometimes if I Reiki myself it can work, but I usually fall asleep. I need to read the signs. So I put it out there to The Universe. What are the signs and how do I read them? What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

I already had the best job in the world when I was looking after my children. I was my own boss. I worked from home. I could play outside when the weather was nice. I made lots of friends. I was on flexi time. The returns on my investment are now paying off. I haven’t been made redundant from this position, but I am now only working as a Consultant. It is a lifetime position.

I have also worked for others. I have enjoyed the jobs I have had, and I take pride in my work. There have been some laughs and fun times. I have made some good friends. My time has not been really my own. Unfortunately, there are no days off to play in the park unless it is booked well in advance and then there is no guarantee that the sun will be shining that day. For me, working in an office is like being caged up. I could tolerate it, but I would rather be outside. The joy for me came upon my release at the end of each day. I was free to go and have fun, to dance, to be with friends.

A part of me has been really enjoying this down time of not working, but it really isn’t giving me an income. I like to work and I like to keep busy and I like to earn money. I am good at what I do. Sometimes I am offered challenges that utilise my brain cells, but most of the time I can work on ‘Autopilot’. It doesn’t take much brain power to do the filing, answer the telephone, type letters, send e-mails, etc. Sometimes I even do all of that at the same time! I have been doing it for years. It is what we call a no-brainer.

I got a call late yesterday afternoon to temp for three weeks at an Architect’s. When I asked for more information, the woman told me it was to assist the Architects on their projects with typing, etc. She told me it wasn’t brain surgery. It wasn’t brain surgery. Now that takes a lot of skill. So, you would think that with all of the secretarial jobs available out there, I would have had more interviews. I have all the skills, and yet I don’t have the right skills. The thing is no one can tell me what I need to do. I apply to hundreds of jobs, and to only the ones that I know I am capable of doing. Yet getting an interview is the most elusive and frustrating element in my life at the moment. I need a foot in the door.

I thank The Universe for sending me this temp job. I am so happy that when I hang up the telephone I shout ‘yes’ and punch the air. I am overjoyed. I finally have a purpose in my life. To go and work for someone else so I can pay my bills and not use up all of my savings. These last two sentences do not sound positive. There has to be better way, but since I don’t know what the way is yet, I will take the one that is offered to me.

I am so excited that I don’t get much sleep. I get up extra early so I am not late. I watch the sun come up to a beautiful day. Everything is going smoothly. I take the train to Monument as I need to register with the agency before I go to the job. I get out of the tube and there is a message on my phone. The job has been cancelled by the client. No need to come in. Ugh! I am already here. I go and register. The agency is very sorry and annoyed. I am very sorry and annoyed, but I let it go. I go for a coffee and call my friend and ask her if she has time to listen to me moan for a few minutes. She does and I do. I feel a lot better for it as I thought I would scream. I thank her and hang up. I owe her one.

I have an appointment at the Job Centre for a review. I go straight to my appointment after my coffee. I am early and look on their computer for some work and print a few things off. I sit upstairs and wait for the woman to see me. She is with a man. They are chatting like old friends and she is very keen to give him advice and help him.

It is my turn. I told her earlier what had happened about the work being cancelled and she seemed very sorry about that. Then she changed. She told me that I must start looking at work that is offered at a much lower salary. I tell her I cannot live on that. She asks me why. I tell her about my house, mortgage, etc. She tells me I should put my house up for Auction. I am dumbfounded. I ask her to explain to me how it works. She does and I tell her I will look into it. I am trying to keep an open mind.

She asks me about pets. I tell her I have a cat. I was wondering if she was going to tell me to get rid of the cat because of the expense, but she asks me if I could take other people’s pets in when they go away. I tell her no, as my cat is very old. He doesn’t even get on with Ed, the cat next door. She asks me about taking in Lodgers. I say no, and explain about my home being a health and safety hazard because of the unfinished work, which is why I have it on the market. She asks me about builders wanting to buy it. I tell her that people have not been buying as the banks have not been lending. Where has this woman been?

Then she asks me the most ridiculous question of all. Can I dumb down my CV? Yes, that’s right. I am not making this up. I ask her how I could possibly do that. I am looking at PA roles, and they need to know everything I have done. I didn’t tell her that they need intelligent people for that. She said that maybe I should not advertise all of my skills when applying for lower paying jobs. I tell her I do not understand how that will help, as when my references are checked my previous employer will tell them everything. I couldn’t believe this woman. I am so frustrated that I am practically in tears. I tell her that I send off my CV every day. I make telephone calls every day. I have been on a few interviews. She tells me that I must look at lower paying jobs or lose my benefit. I tell her ok just to shut her up as I don’t want to argue. Does she not realise that if I get an interview all they will need to do is take one look at me and listen to me to know I am over qualified? One of my Facebook friends said that it is possible to dumb down a CV, but how can you dumb down a person? I just don’t get it. I left there feeling worse than when I went in. I think she decided to hate me as soon as she saw me.

When I left, the sun was still shining and it felt like springtime. I tried to be in the moment and enjoy the sunshine, but all I really wanted was a great big hug and to be told that everything was going to be ok, preferably by a really attractive, tall man. I was feeling small. The sunshine was persistent and I eventually gave in and sat down for a few minutes to enjoy it before catching the bus back home. I decided to pop in to another agency on the off chance they might have some work for me. I am keeping my fingers crossed. At least I left there feeling better than when I went in.

I arrived home feeling exhausted and thought I would give myself some Reiki to calm me down. I dozed off for a few minutes, which is par for the course. In the last 24 hours I have felt like a yo-yo, up and down, good news and bad news. I think The Universe is playing a joke on me. There is supposed to be a reason for everything and I am not getting it. In spite of all this, I still trust The Universe. Ha ha, he has had his fun with me and I haven’t broken. I have been annoyed and flabbergasted, and funnily enough, I still feel that everything is going to be ok.

There is only one thing left to do. I’m going dancing!

A Crisis of Confidence

I have been having a crisis of confidence. I think everyone goes through it now and again. It’s my turn. I have been confused. I have never had an issue about finding work before. I was actually feeling quietly confident that I would find something, but then I momentarily lost my confidence. Why me and why now? Is it me or is it them? I am being told on one hand that I won’t get the salary I had from my last job, and on another I am being told to hold out as I am worth it. The man that told me that is an Angel, and we never even met. I am told I shouldn’t have a problem finding work because of my skills and then I am told that employers are being very picky and job specific.

It is the same about my house. I get told that this is not a good time to sell and then I am told that things are picking up. A friend of a friend told me this morning that my house is too expensive. What business is it of hers? I told her that I wasn’t selling it to her. I got a bit fed up of the negativity coming my way.

It’s the same thing about the internet dating. On one hand I hear really great things about it and the next I hear that it is really dangerous and I should be careful. That last part was also spoken by the friend of a friend. I told her I’m from New York and I know how to handle myself. (I didn’t think she would know where New Jersey was.) I really enjoyed telling her that I met a really nice man through the internet. I can get bitchy in the face of negativity.

I got up early and went to the café on Monday and read a newspaper for the first time in months. It was rubbish. Nothing but doom and gloom. I am surrounded by negativity. Maybe my trusting nature was taken while my back was turned.

The Universe tells me that I need to trust and that everything will be ok. Something happened where I lost that trusting feeling. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where or when I lost it. I know The Universe is right. I just need to feel it.

A very good friend of mine gave me a pep talk by e-mail. She did to me what I do to everyone else. I cheerlead. For a few days I was all over the place. I was in my head, which is a typical Gemini thing. I was down about work and she reminded me of what I needed to know and helped me to find some faith. I am less confused. I think she has helped me to find my trusting nature again.

I had some interesting news about some potential work. I have some interest in my house. I am finding my faith and paying attention to The Universe. The Universe can’t be rushed. I will get what I need when I am ready. I refuse to let negativity get to me. I refuse to let other people get me down. Embrace the positive and eliminate the negative.

I wonder if earplugs work for that.