My Baby has a Tattoo!

My eldest came home from University a couple of weeks ago for his grandmother’s 85^th birthday celebrations.

The first thing he did when he saw me was to show me his tattoo. I thought it was a transfer. It is real. I touched it. It doesn’t wash off. My baby is marked for life. He had it for three weeks and I was the last one to know about it. I am not sure why. He discussed getting a tattoo with me when he was home for the Christmas holidays. He had worked out his rationalisations and even though I am not 100% convinced or that I even get it, he is over 21 and it is his body to do as he pleases. I only asked him to think about what he was doing since once it was done, that was it - the tattoo couldn’t be undone.

Maybe he wanted to see my reaction. The last time he went to Glastonbury he came back with a nipple piercing. As soon as he walked in through the door, he lifted up his T-shirt and said, “Look Mum, I got my nipple pierced!” All I could see was a bloody scab forming and a metal bar through his nipple that wasn’t even level. My baby was mutilated!

He doesn’t have the nipple piercing anymore. The tattoo is a different story.

I have photographed the tattoo to document the change on what used to be my perfect (in my eyes) child. Otherwise, how would I really know if it was him if he ever ended up in pieces and needed to be identified?

Apparently a lot of thought has gone into the design of this tattoo and he explained what it meant and how he came up with it. I have been told that this isn’t the last of the tattoos. Even though I can admit that this is an attractive and colourful tattoo, I cannot imagine any more tattoos on my child and how he will end up looking. He is no longer as his father and I created him.

Now his brother is talking about getting a tattoo on his arm.

I think he is just taunting me now.

A Crisis of Confidence

I have been having a crisis of confidence. I think everyone goes through it now and again. It’s my turn. I have been confused. I have never had an issue about finding work before. I was actually feeling quietly confident that I would find something, but then I momentarily lost my confidence. Why me and why now? Is it me or is it them? I am being told on one hand that I won’t get the salary I had from my last job, and on another I am being told to hold out as I am worth it. The man that told me that is an Angel, and we never even met. I am told I shouldn’t have a problem finding work because of my skills and then I am told that employers are being very picky and job specific.

It is the same about my house. I get told that this is not a good time to sell and then I am told that things are picking up. A friend of a friend told me this morning that my house is too expensive. What business is it of hers? I told her that I wasn’t selling it to her. I got a bit fed up of the negativity coming my way.

It’s the same thing about the internet dating. On one hand I hear really great things about it and the next I hear that it is really dangerous and I should be careful. That last part was also spoken by the friend of a friend. I told her I’m from New York and I know how to handle myself. (I didn’t think she would know where New Jersey was.) I really enjoyed telling her that I met a really nice man through the internet. I can get bitchy in the face of negativity.

I got up early and went to the café on Monday and read a newspaper for the first time in months. It was rubbish. Nothing but doom and gloom. I am surrounded by negativity. Maybe my trusting nature was taken while my back was turned.

The Universe tells me that I need to trust and that everything will be ok. Something happened where I lost that trusting feeling. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where or when I lost it. I know The Universe is right. I just need to feel it.

A very good friend of mine gave me a pep talk by e-mail. She did to me what I do to everyone else. I cheerlead. For a few days I was all over the place. I was in my head, which is a typical Gemini thing. I was down about work and she reminded me of what I needed to know and helped me to find some faith. I am less confused. I think she has helped me to find my trusting nature again.

I had some interesting news about some potential work. I have some interest in my house. I am finding my faith and paying attention to The Universe. The Universe can’t be rushed. I will get what I need when I am ready. I refuse to let negativity get to me. I refuse to let other people get me down. Embrace the positive and eliminate the negative.

I wonder if earplugs work for that.

Dancer with Auburn Hair

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see. - Mark Twain

Nothing is what it seems.

You can’t judge a book by its cover. - Bo Diddley

People only see what they are prepared to see. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. - Henry David Thoreau

These are all phrases about perception. Each person perceives the world and their environment in their own unique way. Siblings growing up together will have different perceptions of their upbringing. People doing a Life Drawing class will each have a different perspective on what they see and how they interpret it onto the paper.

Over the weekend at one of the Milongas, my friend told me that he had seen a painting on Flickr of the two of us dancing. It turns out that someone had taken a photograph of us at Carole Edrich’s Fire and Ice exhibition that took place on the 6^th of November 2008, and took the liberty to create a work of art. The reason I say liberty is that the painting shows me with auburn hair. I haven’t been a redhead for years. My hair is brown going to natural. It was artistic license none the less.

The painting is called, ‘Dancer with Auburn Hair’. Apart from the hair colour, my dance partner and I are very recognisable, even though the view is of my back. It was a surreal moment seeing myself like that in a painting. I don’t have many photos of myself dancing, nor do I have many opportunities to see what I look like when I am dancing, as mercifully there are not many, if any, mirrors at the Milongas.

After admiring the image for awhile, I scrolled down the page to look at the comments. At first I fell to pieces with laughter. What people were thinking! The comments had nothing to do with reality, if only they knew. I have taken the ‘liberty’ to post some of them below.

One of the most romantic pictures ever. I can hear the music, feel the soft swaying motion of the dancers, feel their love for one another, their passion and their deep familiarity–I feel I’m looking at a couple who’ve been together a long time and truly know the ins and outs of each other, who have adapted, accepted, sparred, forgiven, known happinesses and sadnesses, and still manage to feel the flow of love of the moment, capable of remembering old passion. I like the blurry effect of this…it adds to their moment of romance, and of course her warm red hair and his bald dome are lovely; really an exquisite piece….

entrancingly romantic && intimate, the inseparable chemistry the lovers have is emblematized so well by her free, fiery hair, love love love it!
hope all is beautiful - xoxo!…

I like my friend very much, but he and I are just friends and we enjoy dancing with each other. We move well together because we really feel the music and listen to each other on the dance floor. Well, that is my perception. If others think there may be more to it, then we must be doing something right. These people were commenting on something they saw and how it made them feel.

I re-read the comments and I realised something really important. The artist saw something in our dance, a feeling, which compelled him to compose his piece and that in turn evoked strong feelings in others - a chain reaction. The more I thought about it the more I realised that I needed to change my perception about what I had read. Although my friend and I are not lovers, we have loved others. We have known passion, happiness and sadness. There must have been a part of us that brought all of this feeling from our lives to the surface with the music in that moment. We both love the music and the music makes us feel things that we can’t always explain.

I got to thinking about what I notice or look for when I am watching other dancers on the dance floor. Apart from shoes, dancing skills and musicality, I always ‘look’ for the feeling between the partners. That is what helps me to decide to accept a dance. I am really sensitive to vibes. I have seen very good technical dancers that don’t exude any feeling and their lack of emotion leaves me cold. Why would I want to say ‘yes’ to that? Where would the joy be? I want to experience more. I need to share with a sympathetic person. I have moved beyond ‘dancing just for the sake of it’. I need to dance with those on my wavelength or not at all.

I wrote to the artist to explain who I was and about my dance partner. I wanted to know more and asked the artist what it was that moved him. What did he see? What was it about me, about the dance? What am I projecting when I am dancing? I don’t think about what is going on around me when I am dancing as I usually have my eyes closed, I’m feeling the music, and paying attention to my partner - at least most of the time. I was really curious.

The e-mails flew back and forth and I now have an answer, or at least I understand the feeling. It is reassuring knowing that I am not the only one that sometimes has difficulty expressing deep emotions in print. Trying to put emotions into words can be a futile exercise and barely does them any justice, especially when they are felt so strongly. That is why certain people use imagery to express themselves, or dance, etc.

The credit must be given to the music, as without the music there would have been no dance. The dancers expressed themselves to the music. The artist saw and felt something from the dance, and interpreted that into a piece of art. In turn, others have been drawn to the painting and felt free to express how it made them feel. There is no right or wrong about it, it is just a matter of perception.

In Tango, it is always about the music. At least it is for me.